Through the darkness
I am going to share a testimony of my life when I had depression in 2009 and had succeeded to finally get out of it in 2012. All kinds of depression has its roots. Not all can be so dramatic but some had small role until it piles up and become bigger. Childhood and family upbringing is very important. It playes a big role to a persons characteristics outside the home and among the society livelihood. The social engagements outside would play role on a persons attitude and perspectives in life. All of this will have its meaning in a persons personality and standing in life. No matter if a person is rich or poor. Where Godly people is rooted in homes, the child grows with a different attitude towards the world. So Godly home is different from a religious home. Religious are the ones who are rushed to church and push the kids to church and pretend everything is okay and not having conversations or relationship between the members of the family.
My experiences with people had taught me well that not everyone can understand what is going on in your life unless they would sit down and listen to you. Most people that involved themselves with me had preferably implied their views on me rather than counsel. It stirred up my sorrow and it added more anguish to my soul. Yet there are few people who stayed up with me without saying negativity but had allowed me to express the darkness of my experiences and helped me how to get out of it. Well, the perspective I want you to think is, both people involved in my life were also believers and non believers. Among the believers, there are those who are impatient to those who are going through things and are very impulsive in their words. There are also believers who are full of care and compassion so much that they had restrained their mouth and instead helped me find a way out of my struggles. These believers who are hopeful helped me to face my fears and with fervent prayers and guidance from them, I finally understood, I AM OKAY.. With the Non-beleiving, I found out that the answer for them is to shove away the troubles and enjoy life. Put it all aside and ignore the coming of the darkness over my head. With reasoning that life is short therefore enjoyment and pleasure is the answer. On my part, it was not so. For event eh pleasure and the enjoyment of life could not fill the emptiness in my heart.
ONLY JESUS CAN!!
so here we go as I share to you my past.
I have been to depression and anxiety, I thought then I was just normally sad and my mornings are not that special for me to think about. All of those days, I see nothing and but danger. everything is something to worry about, and that all people are the same. it is because, we all have our instinct. once things had happened to us, we normally change our behaviour and we normally defend ourselves into something we are scared of. I have spoken to some family and relatives and needing time and attention, but none have time to listen. well, theres nothing much to talk about but I was needing a company. I was afraid to be alone because I know by myself that there is a tendency I would hurt myself.
My friends had left, my family didnt really care, or else I suppose they might not really know how to deal with me or how to handle me. My behaviour is very devastatingly aggressive and I could say that i am very far to talk to. I was Always defensive and there is no way they could speak without me thinking it is against me.
I have lost my hope and I am more restless. i have been very suspicious with eveything and everybody. it went way too far from childhood memories, tragedies, family problems. dont get me wrong with family problems, it was when my parents separated and I didnt understand nothing. before, it is usually rare to not speak with children regarding parents in separation and that is what had happened to me. That caused me deeply and everytime I ask my mother, she wouldnt give me a clear answer but says ”you will understand when you grow up”. most of the time parents treat children as fools. anyways, my parents didnt spoke to me really.maybe not to know everything but to know that mama and papa will never live together anymore. I was bullied in my school years and been beaten up by my mother. Had been into different childabuse and been sexually abused. I dont blame them, but then my resentment was too high that I even feel like I wanna die. My depression started slowly, since my first relationship, I have been very happy and thought all will go well.. But then his rejection and silence had broke me down. then comes along few more relationshipås that never succeeded because i feel it is very demanding in time, energy and my efforts are not really seen.I have been into many stuff that when I Think of it now, I regret many of those. I have done things and I have been judged by many. I have been fooled and I have hurt many too.. And those emotions and conscience I felt make me feel bad. So my resentment grew along with me since in the teenage years. Then I was married and got Children, still the depression is getting worse because my marriage was not a happily marriage. My ex were haughty in Words, drinking sometimes but when he drink, it is totally large consumptions of alcohol. my tragedies gave me flash backs ad nightmares. my heart pumped as if I am in a Marathon. My ex is kind in a way but he dont know how to handle emotions, he dont know either how to handle a woman or how to show love by that time. Because he himself has his own demons that chase him in his sleep.
My anxiety became worse that even when I had already Children, I even forget them and my family sometimes. I was nearly to suicidal in a train Railway, luckily some people saved me….that is why I am sitting here in Writing this down.. and some of my archives are even regarding how i felt then under my depression. so ..after that suicidal moment, I seek professional help from a Psychologists. they represent to be the ”Listener, Encouragement lifter” which supposedly family and friends role. then I Went through sessions speaking about my childhood, tragedies and abuse, family problems and rejection. And afterwards, I have been forwarded to a psychology specialist.
I would say that it did not helped me because deep within my heart, I am still filled with bitterness and anger towards the people that have done me wrong. I realised at the end of the treatment that, the medications and the treatment had made me worse even to do another suicide, (this time, I was not telling anyone I wanted to do so). And I put myself away from people and held myself alone. The psychologist and psychiatrist have stopped the treatment according to my request because they saw how helpless it was and I refuse to enter a madhouse. (I Know some of you who read will instead remember the madhouse , bear in mind. The house of God is powerful than the madhouse) And I fasted and kept myself returning to the times that causes me deep pressure and angush. The Lord visited me in sleep and I remember how I woke up one morning for the first time, I slept… and my mind was clear. The Spirit of the Lord led me to forgive, to be reconciled even to my enemies. To be true to my faith and not to hide it. To be true to God and to obey his commands. I wrote His commands upon my heart and rooted myself in His words only. I learned to close my ears from evil people and stop listening from their destructive words. I avoided the ungodly and the people who claimed to be godly yet had caused me to feel so condemned. And After years. I came out. FRESH AND BEAUTIFUL..!
Then through meditation in prayer and talk sessions with other believers, it helped me alot to Think better and release all the things I have in mind.
I perceived the depression is mere the result of absorbing the negativity from other peoples expectations about you. How they see you and how they want you to be when you are with them. In this case, all the bully, all the negative words they speak about you, their description of you should not matter. Of course i understand it is not easy to just ignore them, but it is also easy to avoid them. Have the power to stay away with those people. And Also, you should release forgiveness to those who have harmed you, still continue to be joyful and be thankful of life. For this life is short and who knows what coming ahead of us? let us then make the best out of our lives and be surrounded with people whom are Godly and Spiritually minded.
My advice to you who goes the same thing like I had. Please have mercy on yourself and place your life to Jesus. Reconcile yourself to God and also think that as others had wronged you, You also had done evil against others. You may reason with me only if you can, but the truth is You cannot hide from the darkness all your life. No one will lift you up unless you stand on your feet and face your troubles. God will send His strenght upon you and He will hear your prayers.
REPENT and Be Baptised for the forgiveness of Sins. And your will receive the Holy Spirit that transcends all understanding and wisdom from the Lord. And God will give peace in your soul and will pour you the living water and you will thirst no more!
- Yours, Rochelle
Choose your surrounding and your circle. Let your eyes be filled with good light and it will enlighten your body and your soul!